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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24375244">finding balance</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vettery/pseuds/vettery'>vettery</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>why you are the way you are [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shall We Date?: Obey Me!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety Attacks, Comfort/Angst, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, References to Depression, hints of an eating disorder</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:55:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,420</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24375244</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vettery/pseuds/vettery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The kind, generous, loving teddy bear of a demon was upset with you.  It was a heart wrenching sight<br/>His rage was different from Satan’s, less explosive but just as heavy. You knew you did something wrong to make Beelzebub angry. But you didn’t know what.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beelzebub (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) &amp; Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>why you are the way you are [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742866</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>156</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>finding balance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This takes place a short time after Hold Yourself Together.<br/>I got tired of writing long, well-constructed sentences so this may read a lot more casually than my last fics.</p><p>This started as a spinoff/crack fic that was going somewhere else until I tapped my surprise guest Beel the wrong way. He made a face of utter contempt :c</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As you started to come out of your room again, you made it a point to hang out with each of the brothers individually. Today, you and Beelzebub were given special permission from Lucifer to go to the human world. </p><p>Now, you sat at a picnic table at the park with hamburgers, sushi, fried chicken, soup dumplings, cheesecake, and bubble tea laid out in front of you. </p><p>It was an unusual combination but you weren’t going to turn down Beel’s thoughtfulness. He had taken you to every fast food joint you’ve ever mentioned in passing.</p><p>Beel told you with a wide smile while that most of the food was for him and his bottomless stomach, this was the perfect plan because you could have a little bit of everything.</p><p><em> He’s so nice to me, </em> your heart fluttered, not in a romantic way but in a soft, squishy, best-friends kind of way. <em> Whoever got to date Beel in the future would be a very, very lucky demon. </em></p><p>It was very sweet and it made your heart melt. He was so considerate. At first glance, most people would be intimidated by his height and size like you were. Very quickly, you learned that he was a huge softie underneath it all. It had certainly confused you to know that a demon could be so kind.</p><p>
  <em> I bet he’s nice to just about everyone, not just me. </em>
</p><p>You pushed the thought away. Today was supposed to be a good day, a fun day for hanging out in the human world. You weren’t going to let your little monster ruin this, <em> absolutely not. </em></p><p>After showing Beel how to hold chopsticks properly, you explained to him how soup dumplings were very hot and soupy inside, too hot for humans to eat immediately.</p><p>“But they’re so <em> small</em>,” he lamented, blowing at the food so you could eat it sooner.</p><p>You laughed, “They’re small but there’s plenty of boiling hot flavour inside. Let’s let it cool down and eat something else first.”</p><p>As you enjoyed the taste of home, your companion caught you up on what had been happening with his brothers. You missed out on Mammon’s latest money-making scheme and how Lucifer cornered him into confessing his deeds. Levi’s got a new anime that you were sure you’ll hear about you when you meet with him next. The most surprising of all was how Beel had successfully been making Belphie wake up for breakfast in the mornings. </p><p>“It’s not healthy to start the day on an empty stomach,” Beel explained between mouthfuls, “It throws off the balance of your body.”  </p><p>“We’ve all missed you,” he added cautiously, knowing it was a sensitive topic, “It’s nice to be going out with you again.”</p><p>“Mmhmmm,” you made a sound in agreement. You paused in between bites, trying to decide what to say. Then you stuffed your mouth with a piece of sushi. You couldn’t really reply to him if your mouth was full, right?</p><p>You knew you couldn’t get away with pretending like nothing happened. You hadn’t given anyone aside from Lucifer a real explanation for your avoidant behaviour.</p><p>His eyes were gentle, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. That’s okay too.”</p><p>You could feel the warmth of his concern for you. <em> How could a single person hold so much kindness and compassion inside of them? He was too good for you.  </em></p><p>You didn’t want to hide anything more from him, but you weren’t ready to reveal everything that had happened over the last few weeks.</p><p>“I was… unwell. Think of it like I was sick, but it was in my brain. Well my brain was, is, and will continue to be like that,” you explained, “The last few weeks were worse than usual. I didn’t want anyone seeing me when I was at my lowest.”</p><p>His face fell as he mulled over your words, worry written plainly in his eyes.</p><p>Seeing his dispirited face, you reached your free hand to hold one of his, “I’m dealing with it better now, don’t worry. I’m here now.”</p><p>“Thanks for telling me,” he squeezed your hand and gave you a soft smile.</p><p>“Thanks for bringing me out today,” you squeezed his hand in return and waved your other hand at the food before you, “This is perfect. It’s much better than eating hell-sauce noodles everyday.”</p><p>You stabbed a piece of fried chicken and made a happy sound as you chomped down. <em> Stay in the present. No need to dwell on the past. That’s not what today is for. </em></p><p>You helped yourself to some sushi off the platter in front of Beel. You didn’t notice Beel’s silence until you took a break from eating to drink some water, “What’s the matter? Why aren’t you eating?”</p><p>He paid the food no mind. Instead, he gave you an intense look, “You were eating instant noodles everyday?”</p><p>The sudden change in his mood threw you off. He was… angry?</p><p>You gulped and nodded, “Yeah… It was a quick and easy fix when I was in my room. I didn’t have the appetite for proper food most days.” </p><p>He looked even more distraught than before, lips down turned and eyes bearing into you. It was making you nervous, your heart started to race. <em>Why was he mad? What happened? </em></p><p>“But that couldn’t have been enough for you. Your body needs more than just noodles and a few bites of dinner,” Beel pushed the topic further. He wanted the truth.</p><p>“I ate a lot of junk food while I studied in my room. You had plenty of chips and cookies... so I would steal some away,”  you confessed.</p><p>His sincerity and genuine concern was leading you to say more than you intended. You looked down guiltily, not wanting to see the scrutiny in his eyes.</p><p>You scrambled to explain it properly, “I didn’t have an appetite to eat at the dinner table but I would still be hungry so I ate a lot of snacks-- way too many if I’m being honest. It’s a bad habit of mine; I tend to overeat when stressed or in a bad place.”</p><p>You shrunk into yourself; trying to make yourself smaller, to disappear. You rubbed at your arm, conscious of the thickness of your legs,<em> the bulge around your waist, and the cellulite hidden beneath your clothes... </em></p><p>Quickly, you tried to clamp down on your thoughts before they spiralled. You were just trying to have a normal afternoon with a friend. But now you’ve accidentally let one of your secrets slip and you’ve ruined this special afternoon outing with Beel.</p><p>
  <em> It’s too late now. He knows the truth. He's definitely disappointed in you and definitely upset that you stole his snacks. He wouldn’t be wrong to judge you for your actions. </em>
</p><p>---</p><p>Every day of the last few weeks, you had gone to your room immediately after returning home after classes. You only came out to see the brothers during meal time. Lucifer had a strict rule for attendance at these nightly family dinners. One was only allowed to miss it if you had a legitimate reason approved by the Avatar of Pride himself.</p><p>Each night, you sat quietly at the table and listened to the brotherly bantering. As you nibbled at your food, you would laugh when everyone else laughed and speak when you were spoken to. It was all you could do to blend in and not bring attention to yourself. </p><p>As a human, you already ate much less than the average demon. You hoped no one would notice that your appetite was slowly decreasing day by day.</p><p>You already had the habit of passing Beelzebub the more unpalatable demonic ingredients. You stayed away from any meats of unusual colours and any vegetables that were too spiky. It wasn’t hard to push the rest of the food on your plate around and make it look like you finished your meal. </p><p>By the end of the hour, you would be itching to squirrel back to your room. You didn’t want anyone to see you fall apart. The longer you were exposed, the harder it was to hold your negative thoughts back. Declining any invitations to spend time with your housemates, you would swiftly scurry away.</p><p>Those small meals lead to an over-abundance of snacks. You had hoped that nobody would notice the disappearing junk food. In a house with seven guys, having food disappear wasn’t unusual. In a house with Beelzebub, it likely wouldn’t be noticed at all.</p><p>You hated how you could overeat unhealthy food but you couldn’t find the appetite to eat a warm, home-cooked meal. It was an emotionally exhausting cycle.</p><p>---</p><p>Now, with Beel silent at the picnic table, you didn’t know what to do. </p><p>The kind, generous, loving, teddy bear of a demon was upset with you. His rage was different from Satan’s, less explosive but just as heavy. </p><p>You knew you did something wrong to make Beelzebub angry. But you didn’t know <b>what</b>. It put you on edge; you could hear your heart thumping in your ears, your blood was rushing with adrenaline. It was setting off your fight or flight instincts.</p><p>You were too scared to look up at him. Beel remained speechless. He had even stopped eating his burger. You shifted in your seat uncomfortably.</p><p>
  <em> This was exactly why you had been keeping to yourself. It was all so that you wouldn’t let anything slip out. Your lies and deceptions were being exposed and now you’ve done it. You’ve ruined the day with Beel. </em>
</p><p>You felt like you should apologize about something, anything, “S-Sorry… I stole a lot of snacks from your cupboards. I know you needed those. You’re very sensitive to your hunger.”</p><p>“No, that’s not it,” he growled, shaking his head, “This isn’t about me.”</p><p>“If it’s not about the food then what are you mad about?” you asked, tense. You peeked up to look at his face, afraid to hear his answer. </p><p>Beel’s face was hard to read when he was like this. You didn’t know fury from disappointment, arbitration from ire. You felt your heart rate speeding up. You tried to keep your breathing steady. <em>This was not good.</em></p><p>“This is about <b>you</b>. You haven’t been taking care of yourself,” he said coldly. “It’s not healthy to be unbalanced; to eat too much or too little, too sweet or too salty, too much junk and not enough nutrients.”</p><p>“I- I know,” you whispered, “It’s not healthy but…”</p><p>You picked a spot on the table to focus on. Your heart sank. It started to sputter and sent your mind spiralling. <em> You didn’t want to think about how you haven’t been taking care of yourself.  </em></p><p>
  <em> You didn’t want to think about the bad habits that you couldn’t break, the overindulgence in salty chips and sugary desserts. You didn’t want to think about the thickness of your thighs and your protruding abdomen. You hated your body and it showed in the lack of care you had for it.  </em>
</p><p>Your hands were shaking. They clenched and unclenched, gasping like you were for air.</p><p><em> Inhale, exhale, inhale exhale. </em> You tried to steady yourself. All you could hear was the heavy thumping of your heart. You clenched your eyes closed as your world spun.</p><p>You felt large hands take hold of you as you swayed in your seat. </p><p>There was a voice saying your name, “Hey, hey. I’ve got you. Breathe. Take a deep breath.”</p><p>You listened to his words, trying to refocus on the sound. Your hands had ended up buried in his sweater, pulling at the cloth. You squeezed the fabric in your hands and tugged at the hard edges of the zipper, trying to ground yourself with the feeling.</p><p>Your breathing slowed as you listened to the soft murmuring by your ear. Finally, as you relaxed, you opened your eyes again.</p><p>Looking down at you was Beelzebub; his brow furrowed in concern, “Are you all right?”</p><p>You sighed deeply and relaxed your hands, letting them lie flat against his solid chest. After smoothing out his clothes, you whispered, “Yeah, I’m okay.”</p><p>A large hand brushed against your cheek, wiping away some tears that were threatening to fall.</p><p>“Uhm… Thanks.” </p><p>“Here,” he murmured, “Do you want some water?” </p><p>Gratefully, you accepted the uncapped bottle he held in front of you. <em> You hadn’t had an anxiety attack in a while. Was it because his anger was unchartered territory? Or because you didn’t want to confront your eating problems? </em></p><p>“I’m sorry,” he murmured, hugging you closer, “I shouldn’t have pushed you. I didn’t mean to scare you.”</p><p>You hugged him back, relaxing in his warmth. </p><p>“It’s okay. It’s not your fault,” you sat back now, no longer relying to Beel to hold you up.</p><p>He loosened his arms around you but didn’t let go. He didn’t seem convinced by your words.</p><p>“Avoiding my problems is a very old and bad habit that I’ve given up on breaking,” you explained, “I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food. But I’ve always kept most of it hidden. So talking about it with you… I kind of panicked. It’s been a while since someone confronted me about it.</p><p>You looked down at yourself, resting a hand across your torso. It wasn’t like you were very fit; you had a noticeable tummy and you weren’t a very active person. You’d always thought it was pretty obvious that you weren’t healthy.</p><p>
  <em> Just one look and most people would assume to know a lot of things about me. And none of those things would be wrong. </em>
</p><p>You’ve always been this way. You were never the skinny one or the pretty one in your group of friends; you were <em> the ugly one </em>. You considered yourself a side character, someone that didn’t really matter so you hadn’t bothered to care for yourself too much.</p><p>
  <em> You tried not to think about how you considered over-eating to be a part of your long-term, passive way to help yourself die early. It was part of your depression’s weird and slow suicide plan. </em>
</p><p>Your little monster was up and at it again. You pushed it away to be dealt with later when you were in the safety of your home.</p><p>Beel rubbed soothing circles along your back, bringing your thoughts back to the present. You hadn’t said anything in a while.These days, it seemed like you were at a loss for words more often than not. You weighed your words before you spoke again.</p><p>“Ah… Now I’m just thinking about too much stuff. I’ve lived my whole life like this. Even with all the physical and emotional baggage, I’m fine,” you give him a reassuring pat.</p><p>“Are you really fine with this?” the demon asked, skeptical. “Why wouldn’t you want to take better care of yourself?”</p><p>
  <em> Great, He hit the nail on the head. How do I get out of this without telling him my whole life story? </em>
</p><p>“It’s not like I’m not taking care of myself at all,” you countered, “I’ve learned how to handle myself now. It’s not like I haven’t tried to lose weight and eat better. After many attempts, I realized it was hopeless so I just embraced that part of myself.”</p><p>The orange haired demon didn’t seem convinced. </p><p>You took another sip of water before you continued, “I suppose I’ve just gotten used to it all: ignoring people’s judgemental stares, their comments behind my back. If I don’t see or hear it, it can’t bother me. So it’s fine!”</p><p>“That’s not what your face says,” Beel’s face leaned closer to you, watching the flicker of emotions in your eyes. “It’s not fine. Your face says you don’t like not caring for yourself.”</p><p>Your face heated up a little, <em> How was it that he’s seeing through you so easily? </em></p><p>“I-I…” You don’t know what to say. Well, you did but you didn’t want to say it out loud.</p><p>“Here,” Beel thrusts a small plastic bowl in front of you, “Eat this.”</p><p>Obediently, you stabbed a fork into the side salad that came with your sushi.</p><p>“If you’re not going to take care of yourself, then I’ll do it for you,” he declared.</p><p>Your eyes widened in surprise, “What are you talking about?”</p><p>“If you’re not going to have a balanced diet then I’ll make sure to bring you fruits and vegetables. If you’re not going to workout then I’m taking you on hikes on the weekends. If you’re not going to stop eating snacks then I will make sure there are only nutritious snacks in the house.”</p><p>You look at him horrified. <em> What is he trying to do?  </em></p><p>“Are you threatening me with taking care of me!? You like human potato chips too; it’s not just me! What the hell?” </p><p>“That’s ‘what the <b>devildom’ </b>to you,” he chuckled, laughing at his own joke.</p><p>You gave him a glare. <em> This was ridiculous. </em></p><p>Seeing your bewilderment, he declared, “You’re not getting out of this. I already take care of Belphie so I might as well take care of you too.”</p><p><em> Oh… </em> You realized, <em> He was ‘older brother’-ing you. He was treating you like his twin, like </em> family <em> . </em></p><p>You were touched. You were always the older and more responsible one, the mother hen to your friends and family. It was weird to be on the receiving side of sibling affection. </p><p>It was incredibly sweet of him but you protested,  “Beel… You don’t have to, it’s okay. I can take care of myself. I’m fine.”</p><p>“Well if you think you’re fine then I want you to be better than fine. I want you to be the best!” He was so self-assured that you didn’t know how to talk your way out of this.</p><p>“Now stop thinking about it and drink this,” he pushes the water bottle towards you again, “Humans are made of 50-60% of water so you need more.”</p><p>“Okay, but there’s water inside of a bubble tea too.” You pointed at the cup with balls inside it.</p><p>The demon squinted his eyes at you. He must have deemed your response acceptable because he passed the milk tea over.</p><p>“I guess, with this, you’re eating and drinking at the same time.” he seemed pretty satisfied with the thought.</p><p><em> This isn’t too bad </em> , you thought. <em> Beel’s love language is basically food. That’s why you were surrounded by your favourites today. He’ll probably shower you with food and friendship. Accepting his kindness wouldn’t be a bad thing. </em></p><p>“You can’t eat all of this today like me,” he started moving the takeout boxes away from you, “You can finish what’s in front of you but no more fried food.”</p><p>The reality of the situation sunk in. <em> He was taking this seriously. </em></p><p>“You’re going out for physical activity with me. Everyday.”</p><p>You groaned, “Noooooo, please, not that! Not everyday. My body already feels sore thinking about it”</p><p>“Okay,” Taking pity on you, he said, “Six days a week.”</p><p>--- </p><p>Later on, after you’d talked Beelzebub down to a more reasonable four days a week, you learned that he was a very supportive gym buddy who knew more about the human anatomy than you, the human.</p><p>You’d lost a little bit of weight, just a bit. </p><p>“But that’s not the focus of this,” he lectured, after a day of swimming at the beach, “It’s about getting stronger.”</p><p>You must have made a face because he felt the need to elaborate.</p><p>“Maybe you haven’t noticed, but you’ve been taking less breaks when we go hiking. You last longer on your feet on Asmo’s shopping sprees. And you stand taller next Lucifer now; your shoulders aren’t as hunched and your posture is better. You even chase Mammon faster when he pranks you now,” he chuckled.</p><p>Mockingly, you slapped his muscled bicep, “Hey, he deserved it!”</p><p>“Of course he did. I’m not saying he didn’t.” Beel teased, “Soon enough you’ll have the strength to prank him back. I’ll help you. We’ll make it a big one!”</p><p>You smiled up at him. He was the older brother you never had. It warmed your heart to know he cared so much for you, even when you didn’t. </p><p>You looked down at your body. It wasn’t something you did often, you knew you wouldn’t like what you saw. But today, it didn’t feel as punishing. This body was yours. Even though it wasn’t perfect and never would be, it was yours to love and hate… for the rest of your life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This whole series is turning into a very self indulgent project, exploring things that come alongside depression. In my experience, anxiety and depression are best friends. You can’t find one without the other, unfortunately.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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